You'd Never Know
by Randomus Prime
Summary: Secrets are revealed, facts are out on teh surface, the Autobots are ready to fight when they find out a shocking truth about this world. major dosage of crack!  snort carefully , somewhat disturbing interface, running away, DA FRAG IS DIS SH...


**_You'd Never Guess ..._**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**One day C.M.D. and me were talking over msn, trying to find new pairings and I was randomly throwing stuff around. Eventually we got to Perceptor which is when I started thinking about the combiners (Bruticus, Superion, Menasor, Defensor, etc etc etc) - they never get any action like Warpath, Powerglide, Cosmos (that will be remedied eventually) and other transformers.**

**"Hm," I think, "why not pair up our cute lil' scientist with one of those guys?"**

**And it hit me - Computron. Of course I tell C.M.D. about my idea and I do not cheap out on the interfacing between the two (spike and valve~) that they would have. She quite liked the idea and decided to write a little fic about the two hooking up which is posted on her profile, go check it out.**

**This fic that you are about to read was written on like, the next day or so after I came up with the idea (which was over 4 months ago, do mind, this is not a recently written fic) and this came out. Back then I wasn't all that masterful of the great art of writing fanfiction in the first place so I decided to write a sort of an "aftermath" (in other words - consequences/things that happen later) of Perceptor and Computron hooking up.**

**I am actually glad that C.M.D. had her own vision of this getting together despite how much I wanted to tie the two together because, well, we are different people and this wasn't the type of thing to have some sort of a "leader" at so yes, it worked out for the best in my not-so-humble opinion. Yes, our fanfics are incompatible with one another: C.M.D. went with the already established cannon where people are dead and I kept with my idea of keeping everybody alive.**

**As you will see, duking it out doesn't always go as planned and crap gets in the way we find out certain things about this world ... very disturbing things ...**

**Enjoy~**

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><p>"PERCEPTOR!" Sideswipe and Sunstreaker barged into the lab.<p>

"AH!" Jumping in surprise, the scientist hit his head on the ceiling -so hard that it dented- dropping a vial with a green-ish substance that he had been holding in his servo, spilling it all over the floor.

The Lambo twins sprinted to help out their love interest but once they stepped into the puddle of the liquid they both slipped, crashing into the table right on front of them, knocking over the contents of all other vials and smashing their heads on the wall. Attempting to stand up, they only slipped further on the residue coating the bottom of their pedes, hitting the adjacent racks also making them fall, splattering even more things all over the lab walls and floor.

"Hm? What's goin' …" Wheeljack took off his noise cancellers and turned around to see where all the vibrations were coming from, "… DA FUCK YOU MORONS DOIN'?"

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><p>"Uh-huh, ya, right, mhmm...," Wheeljack wasn't really listening to the twins' explanation; he was just nodding and thinking about ways he would beat the crap out of them, "Uh-huh, all right, uh-huh, I see. Jus' one question."<p>

"What?"

"DA FUCK IS YER FUCKIN' PROBLEM YEH MORONS?" The engineer ripped the lab door off its last hinge and showed the sign to the two trouble makers, "What does this fuckin' sign say?"

"Do not smoke."

"Exactly. Wait, what? This one yeh dumbasses!"

"Wh33lj4ck iz 33n da haus."

"Authorized personnel only! Freakin' Matrix! Yeh idiots!"

"… but we have been here many times already!"

"Wha'? How?" Wheeljack squinted his optics and looked at the scientist, raising his voice even further, "Percepteh?"

"Um, I might have allowed …"

"PERCEPTEH!"

"Meep."

"Look! A distraction!," Sunstreaker screamed out as he pointed his hand in a random direction.

"What? Where? What?" Wheeljack was thrown off and actually looked where the yellow Autobot was pointing. Taking advantage of the confusion, Sideswiped grabbed Perceptor and all three cheesed it out of the lab.

After a few minutes of sprinting through the Autobot base, nearly crashing into Cosmos, Jazz, Lazerbeak, Huffer, Grimlock and Iron Hide, they finally got to their quarters and crashed on the floor, panting heavily.

"Per … ce … ptor ... you … hah …"

"… you … ho … ly … frea … king …"

"Wha … t … wha?"

"Breathe … talk … la … ter …"

Spending some time catching their breath, Perceptor couldn't help but wonder the reasons for all of the twins' behavior.

"Ok, Percy, what the hell, man?"

"Yea! How can you do this to us?"

"Wh-what? I believe I fail to understa…"

"You know PERFECTLY well what we are talking about!"

"Yes! You do!"

"E-e-excuse me but I would rather have you tell me what it is that we are talking about."

"You have a crush on Computron, don't you?"

"Um, yes, however …"

"… and you two have shared a room, ordered some energon pastry, and metal wiring!"

"How can you perform bondage and let people eat pastry off of you without us?"

"Yes! We do it all the time!"

"Eheh, we didn't really …"

"So, Computron, huh?"

"Really? Computron? That guy is a freak!"

"He can't even take care of himself!"

"Yes! How can he be so irresponsible?"

"We are going to have a talk with him, NOW!"

Perceptor, with a gasp and fervent pleas, tried to stop the two from going to the Technobot quarters; only to proving his actions ineffective and the scientist thus being dragged along with the lambo twins.

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><p>"Who touched my desk?"<p>

"It doesn't have anything on it."

"The atmosphere around it is different."

"Wha…"

"Let's find some differences! The aura is different? Hm, let's see, nope that scratch I left is still there …"

"You left a scratch on my desk?"

"Oh boy …"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP? I can't concentrate!"

"You are drawing on paper with crayons …"

"… and you will shut the hell up or I will knit your face to Afterburner's exhaust pipe so fast …"

"For the last time! We do NOT have exhaust pipes!"

"Oh really? Then please ENLIGHTEN me, oh all-knowing Nosecone, where does all the waste go?"

"Oh Matrix, man! Why did you have to ask him!"

"IWANNAHEARITIWANNAHEARIT."

"Sorry, Afterburner, didn't quite think this through …"

"… juuust like always …"

"HEY! What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?"

"DON'T YELL AT ME!"

"SCREAMING CONTEST!"

At that very moment, as the five Technobots got up, the door to their quarters was violently kicked off.

"ME GRIMLOCK SAY SIT YOUR FUCKING ASSES DOWN!"

With all five red and white bots sitting on one berth, quiet, Grimlock was malevolently pacing around the room.

"Um, dad …"

"QUIET!"

"Meep."

"TELL STORY!"

"Wh-what?"

"TELL STORY!"

"Um, once upon a time there was a Megatron …"

"QUIET! TELL PERCEPTOR STORY!"

"Oh, um …"

"Dad, that wasn't us, that was Computron! I swear!"

"Computron? Computron? COMPUTRON?"

"Yes! Computron!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrr…"

"Dad? Please don't beat us …"

"Him, Perceptor bad influence! Him not worth my, Grimlock, babies!"

"Eh …"

"Me, Grimlock, can bash science brain! Me, Grimlock go talk to sciencebot! Him stay away from Grimlock babies!"

With these words, the dinobot leader stormed out of the Technobot quarters, completely ignoring the door, making another hole in the wall.

"We should probably stop him."

"GO GO GO!"

The brothers all rushed to try to calm their father down but found him too angry to hear anything they were saying. They tried stopping him by force, but only ending up like Perceptor – getting dragged across the whole base.

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><p>Perceptor and the Technobots both knew that the confrontation was inevitable if anybot came to know about them; Grimlock and the lambo twins felt too strongly about the ones they loved to just let anybody interact with them, especially on that level. They did all they could yet somehow they found out.<p>

"GRRRRRR!" The dinobot, upon seeing Perceptor being dragged by Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, growled loudly. He pushed Huffer off to the side, stomping up to the trio, growling and spitting the entire way. "Sciencebot! Stay away from Grimlock babies!"

"Yes! You heard him!" Sideswipe yelled out, "Stay away from them! They are not worth it! They probably got you infected with Sexually Transmitted Cybertronian Diseases!"

"WHAT?" Sideswipe should have never said that. "YOU STCDs! ME GRIMLOCK BABIES CURE STCDS!"

"The Technobots are bozos!"

"TECHNOBOT NO BOZOS, THEY PRINCES!"

"Um, what?"

"Did he just call us princes?"

"THE'EH YEH TWO ARE!" Wheeljack ran down the hallway, quickly approaching the arguing parties, "GRIMLOCK! KEEP DA FRAGGEHS DOWN …"

"SHUT … THE … FUCK … UP!" A voice thundered through the whole base as Optimus Prime came out of his quarters right next to them, "Freaking jeez! What the hell is your problem? Let them screw each other all they want! By The Matrix! Some people are trying to do things around here! Un-slagging-believable!"

Nobody expected their leader to just randomly walk into the screaming and do all this. A silence so still fell that one could hear Starscream's plans backfiring on him from across the galaxy.

"Optimus!" Megatron's voice came out of the Supreme Commander's quarters as soothing as a siren's song, "I am waiting!"

"Um, sir?" Scattershot cautiously and quietly decided to break the silence as everyone stared at Optimus, their jaws dropped down to the floor, "You are not alone in there?"

"None of your fucking business," Prime leaned against the side of the door and crossed his arms as he turned his head, "Coming my evil wuzzy wuffy kitty!"

"What the fuck …"

"ME GRIMLOCK SAY DA FRAG DIS SHIT?"

"MEGATRON! CHAAAAARGE!"

"What?"

Optimus was easily the strongest transformer of his size. He could stop Wheeljack and Perceptor, he could stop the lambo twins, Grimlock too, but he couldn't stop all of them along with the Technobots from storming their way inside his quarters.

"MEGA…" Wheeljack was the first to notice in the dim light that it wasn't really the mighty Decepticon leader but someone wearing a costume of the evil mech, "…tron?"

"Me Grimlock say that no Megatron!"

"This is just wrong …"

"… on so many levels."

The more they looked, with their jaws dropped again, the more they recognized through the parts and bits of the costume one of the Autobots, Arcee.

"Arcee? What the hell?"

"Da frag is dis crap?"

"This is …"

"… mind scarring."

"Oh!" the femmebot recovered from shock and covered herself up with some sheets, "Oh no!"

"Just," the Autobot leader facepalmed with a sigh, "freaking hell."

"Optimus, what is Arcee doing dressed up like Megatron?"

"Well, no point in hiding it anymore. Arcee?"

"All right," she turned her head to the side, lowering it as her faceplates turned lobster red, "I-I-I …"

"Oh, man, this is gonna be good …"

"QUIET! ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO HEAR STORY!"

"I LOVE MEGATRON! I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!"

"So," Wheeljack was the first to recover from initial shock, "You dressed up like him?"

"I-I-I dressed up like him and asked Optimus to help me because I want to feel what it is like to be Megatron."

It was supposed to be impossible but somehow all ten bots got one of their eyes looking at their leader and the other still looking at Arcee.

"Yeh want teh feel …"

"I want to feel Megatron …"

"Optimus and Megatron?"

"Creeeeeeeeeeepy."

"All right guys," Optimus spread out his hands and wave them around, "Time to leave, Arcee is embarrassed enough as it is."

"… you approve of this?"

"I fragging approved of Perceptor and you two fucking each other like no tomorrow, I approved of Wheeljack and Perceptor getting it on a few times; I approved of Perceptor and the Technobots doing it so why the fuck would I disapprove of this?" He pointed at Arcee.

"… but she is a femmebot!"

"So?"

"How can femmebots have sex?"

"What?" Arcee widened her eyes, "You guys are kidding, right?"

"What are you talking about?," Perceptor joined in, "Femmebots can't have sex! They have no spikes!"

"Are you guys for real …" Optimus squinted, "… or just trolling?"

"Prime, EVERYBODY in the galaxy knows that females don't have sex! Right? Right?"

After a minute of dead silence, all twelve staring at each other, Optimus finally broke it:

"You guys are fags."

"What?" Scattershot's facial plates rearranged in a very malignant arrangement, "YOU CALLING ME A BUNDLE OF STICKS?"

"Da fuk is dis shit?"

"Oh fuck," Optimus facepalmed, "I am surrounded by morons."

"Relax Scattershot," Perceptor held the Technobot back with his hand and turned to Prime, "Sir, there is no such thing as female transformers engaging in sexual activity- this is a ludicrous idea!"

"Un-slagging-believable. It's not like we live in a universe where only guys fuck each other! This is not yaoiland!"

"Blasphemy!"

"What?" Arcee couldn't stay out of that conversation, "Yes we can! How do you think all of you guys came to be?"

The Technobots looked at Grimlock, Grimlock turned his head to Wheeljack, the lambo twins looked at one another and Perceptor raised his head and gazed pointlessly in space.

"By The Matrix! You guys don't know about femmebots?"

"No! We are settling this down once and for all! Technobots! Form Computron!"

"I am Computron." It was already tight in Optimus' quarters and now it was that more jam-packed, not that Perceptor minded. With a blissful sigh, his faceplates rearranged into a mellow expression, Perceptor canted his head to the side and smiled whimsically as he began drooling over the combiner.

Upon seeing this, Grimlock, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe shot scathing glares so burning that the temperature rose a few degrees.

"Good thing I decided teh remove Grimlock's laseh eyes," Wheeljack thought to himself.

"My computing capability is infinite. Computing possibility of femmebot sexual intercourse. Computing. Done. Possibility of femmebot sexual intercourse: 0%."

"There!" Scattershot said after transforming back into their original robot forms, "There you have it! No such thing as femmebot sex."

"We interfaced on Teletraan I!"

"WHAT?" Everybody screamed out in sync.

"I TOUCHED IT! EEEEWWWW! Optimus, what da fuck?"

"We did it in the mess-hall …"

"WHAT?"

"In the lab …"

"WHAT?"

"In the gym, the fishing pond …"

"ME GRIMLOCK CATCH FISH THERE!"

"OPTIMUS? DA FRAG?"

"Arcee? Mind lending me a hand or, in this case, your body for a demonstration?"

"…but ..."

"This is something I would do to Megatron, now do you want to feel like him or not?"

"Um," another strong blush overcame the pink robot's face, "Yes."

Removing the sheets she covered herself with and the chest plate of the costume, Arcee revealed the female genitalia in its full glory, "There you have the nipples on my breasts, they are very sensitive to touch."

She did as she said; gently pinching her mentioned areas and moaning from the new exciting pleasure she got from having so many spectators "eager" to learn.

"Oooooaaaah! And this," she spread her legs as wide as she could, "This is my va…"

"AAAAAHHH!"

"RUUUUUUN!"

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"OH MY DEAR LORD!"

"ME GRIMLOCK SAY FUCK DIS SHIT!"

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><p>As the ten Autobots ran for their lives, Optimus performed a full out double facepalm with the sliding of his hands down his face.<p>

"This is freaking bullshit."

"Ooooh! Aaaaah! Oh yes!"

"Are you still going at it?," the Autobot leader looked to Arcee who was pleasuring herself even more now, one hand rubbing her between her legs and with another pinching her mechanical nipples harder and harder.

"Nnnnngggghhh." She wasn't listening to him anymore, too hot and feeling too much pleasure.

"Eh, what the hell, might as well," Optimus closed the door leading to the hall, turned to Arcee and with a malevolent glint in his eye he continued as he got down on Arcee, "Exhibitionism, eh? This is gonna be fun."

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><p>P.S. yes, they were all scarred for life …<p>

P.P.S. yes, Arcee is a very naughty girl (she did want everybody there to have their turn with her but they all ran away …) and yes Optimus enjoyed every last bit of it as he facepalmed

P.P.P.S. on the next day Perceptor and the twins realized that they ran into Lazerbeak … *facepalm* and Lazerbeak recorded … everything … and by that I mean EVERYTHING … all the Decepticons saw Optimus Prime have heterosexual sex with Arcee in her Megatron costume … you know, both sides came up with giant ships, random powerful weapons but this one thing was more than enough to break the Decepticon morale and scar their minds for life … and yes … none of them knew about femmebot sex … other than the femmebots.

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, I hope you enjoyed it!**

**I guess a number of things need clarification.**

**I thought it would be a funny thing that Arcee does ... I mean don't get me wrong: I don't hate her ... she is just too much of an easy target to ignore ... she just happened to be in the wrong time, wrong place, wrong eyes looking at her.**

**Let Optimus have some fun! Come on! He is like the freaking main character!**

**Since there is so little interface of any sort in both the fandom and cannon that includes femmebots, I decided to throw it in and see what happens.**

**And yes, I decided to make chaos reign with all the relationships going on!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing, reviewing, pitching in jokes and laughing!**


End file.
